Hey, thanks for checking in, I'm still a pIeCe Of GaRbAgE
@Tarr the Aaargh
God, to achieve anything in this life. To have done something that would have my name on it, something of undeniable value. Being able to turn to my father and say "I wanted to show you the things I like long before, but now that these skills brought me money you'll actually be able to see them in a way that matters". Being able to say "See, I told you I would be okay". To have any confirmation that I am not doomed just because I can't handle a fucking office job. Fucking-- PLEASE. I am so tired of feeling like a disappointment.
Yeah this space is getting gloomy again, but where else can I vent all this out safely? Nowhere.
@Tarr the Annoyed
Jesus fuck I am so tired of being in the middle of my friends having, uh, different views, when I understand both parties. Like I want to lock them in a fucking room and not let them out until they talk that shit out. Like fucking hell. Guys what the fuck. Like I know what one side is feeling because same, but is that feeling really more important than our friendship. Is it THAT important and solid that you can't just suck it the fuck up for the sake of a friend. But nooo that's not my talk to have, 'cause the griveance is not with me and I can't just fix people's problems for them or whatever. I just have to be stuck in the middle and fume. Because gooood forbiiiid we have a CONFRONTATION. Perish the thought. Let it stew and brew until boom and the whole friendship is ruined. Fuck.
@Tarr the Brave
Belately reporting in, I've finished the special thing in time and to the best of my abilities. Now I think I need to add some kind of a 'personal projects' page to this site, to boast about things like that. My hands also, surprisingly, did not fall off, although I did manage to bruise myself by being careless. Ah well.
By the way, on the topic of pride events as per the bleak entry below. First of all, I am dragging myself out of the house to the aforementioned community space, my anxiety is running wild and I anticipate a lot of awkwardness, but hey, peopling is healthy sometimes. I'm proud of myself for biting the bullet. Secondly, and that's the thing that originally inspired biting said bullet, I've recently been at a concert of a local singer, rather old-ish, she was celebrating 30 years of her musical career alone (but also I don't subscribe to the 'old age' ideology she seemed to be younger than most of us). And I kinda forgot that she's kinda a sapphic icon?! Very quickly remembered as such when I saw the sheer amount of completely open lesbians in the crowd. The feeling of being surrounded by My People (and also seeing the older ones! my future!) in the midst of this seemingly hopeless time when laws are being passed to run us underground... It was an inspiring experience. I almost burst out crying several times. Which also reminded me that sitting locked up in my room and knowing more about queer culture and law situation in the west than my own is probably not good for my mental health and all that. So here I am. Going to meet new people. Scared, but at least I'm moving. Worst case scenario - I'll just quietly sit in the corner and people watch, I heard that's always an option, ehehehe.
@Tarr the Resting
Holy shit that last entry is BLEAK. I mean it's true, but gah. ANYWAY. Finally finished two burning projects for work, so I'm giving myself a well-deserved vacation week. My brain does not feel ready to tackle anything that needs to be tackled (sob... the comic...) BUT I am currently doing a brand new thing for a special occassion, and... well, naturally, it's harder than I thought and I hurt fucking all over, but I'm starting to see it take shape and I'm EXCITED. Not I just need to manage to finish it up in time and not break-- Will report back somewhere on the site, provided I succeed. All in all, it's nice to take a breather. (Also I pre-ordered Phantom Liberty. Sue me, I'm hyped for that ish).
@Tarr the Void
I've been watching people talking about Pride month online. Many of them live in places where corporate pride and all that shtick is A Thing enough to be controverisal. Where pride events are so widespread that there's intercommunity discourse about kink at pride and all that shit. And I'm just... ...I'll never know what it's like to be that far into this fight, will I. What it feels like to have a safe haven even in just some parts of your country. What it means to have those rights to lose in the first place. I mean, I gotta hope that progress comes for everyone eventually but man does it feel bleak at times. I've gotta start going out of my house more. I know where to look for community, I'm just scared and awkward and anxious as shit, never feeling like I'd fit it. But maybe I should. One day when I'll run out of excuses. Yeah.
@Tarr the Even More Tired
I think my brain has got enough of my shit and just straight up jumped from constant anxiety into total apathy. That's... fun. A welcome break for my nervous system, I suppose, but a total shittime for everything else.
@Tarr the Tired
You know, maybe I should recount some stuff, just in case I find this page like years later. Like, a couple of weeks ago my toe started hurting again, after 8 fucking years, and I had to go get it treated, properly this time, not just hack the nail off like before. It was fine for a week or two but now for some reason it's red and itchy and I think it's just grumpy 'cause I moved a lot while helping grandma in the yard. Whatever.
I go to a concert tommorow, good luck surviving THAT you sensitive appendage.
I'm also terribly behind on drawing PoF because of having way too much work to do and I'm tooootally not sad about that. Shit. What if I never get back in the groove? What if that hyperfixation was one and done?
I've printed out some of my art to put on the walls like posters, my personal little merch to cheer me up, but I also kinda feel guilty looking at it now 'cause. I want to continue your story I swear! Q_Q
Speaking of work, I better get going. The burning deadline won't close itself. Pity, too, I'd really fucking like it to.
@Tarr the Void
You know what's definitely a great idea when you're already depersonalized to the point of barely knowing what you look like and forgetting which hands are yours if you look at a first-person game for too long? To re-create that one look you once looked like in a dream, and give that alter-ego a name and a voice and SURELY. Surely. This won't have any consequences. None. Ahah.
By the way, I did the thing again. You know, the one where I leave a lot of work closer to the deadline 'cause my ADHD brain can't think ahead, and then get swarmed by other work. Shit.
@Tarr the Proud
Holy fuck, dear blog, can you believe that I forgot to tell you about the fact that I COMPLETED THE FIRST CHAPTER OF POF. It now sits proudly at whooping 147 pages (including covers) and honestly a week later it still doesn't seem real. Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed that I can actually keep up the momentum going forward. It's a little bit of a mess right now in my head as far at the story progression goes, but hey, when isn't it? Anyway, so that's been going on. I kinda want to try and print it as a singular thing for me to keep, but, you know, that's gotta be a huge pain in the butt, considering the unfortunate formatting I've chosen.
Oh! I also bought a lava lamp. That has been my literal childhood dream. It now sits at my desk and blobs. UwU
@Tarr the UPSET
I want to whine about two friends now dropping out from my birthday celebration - for adulting reasons, yes, but that doesn't make it feel any better - and I don't want to do it where they can see 'cause that just starts to feel like guilttripping or whatever. So here. It sucks. Plague on their goddamn fucking bosses and whatnot. And screw us all being allegic to conflict and all that.
Well, on the other hand, I also dropped out of one of their birthdays for adulting reasons, so karma, I guess.
@Tarr the, uh, Melancholic I guess
Hello again, my home away from home. I feel like I'm losing my friends again. Not in some dramatic way, no, we're just drifting. As it always happens whenever we stop hyperfixating on the same thing. I am mostly focused on my comic now, and the sad thing is - almost none of my friends are the target audience, per se. Some of them read it to be polite or get somewhat excited simply because it my thing and they love me. Some of them don't read it at all, which - zero judgement, it was my choice to make a niche thing and it's not their fault that none of them much enjoy violence as a narrative. Still, though, it makes me isolated. Works both ways, I suppose - I can hardly squeal about the new season of LOVM with them. It's all just the natural order of neurodivergent living, I suppose. Not to mention that they've got a job that sucks and an apartment to renovate and I am just sitting here. Drawing. Working from home. A job that doesn't crush my soul. Half the time I feel guilty for writing them some fandom shit at all, 'cause if they reply - they surely have better things to do, and if they don't, well, they are busy and I am being an annoyance. It doesn't work that way and they will bite me if they ever find this page (but seeing as they couldn't care less about the web revival either I think I'm pretty safe lol). Maybe I just want them to care about my home-made blorbos. But I shall not be greedy and I shall treasure a couple of people who genuinely plunged into the story, 'cause this ain't about quantity it's about quality. I'll find my readers one day. And hopefully won't lose my friends at the same time. Okay, enough whining, back to drawing.
@Tarr, just Tarr
Been a while, huh. January was sure... A MONTH. But I'll get a considerable chunk of money out of that, and I still didn't drop the comic, so that's good. Speaking of the comic - I'm starting to get some comments from people. Rare, but so so valuable because of that. Mayhaps if I keep going consistently it will indeed grow and find its people. What a nice thought.
My favorite band released a concert album and I've been listening to it non-stop for two days. I'm full of love~
@Tarr the Fucking Sick
Came down with a massive cold, still feeling the effects, what a load of crap. Surprisingly didn't screw up my deadlines despite that fact, or at least I don't think I did. Fingers crossed!
Being unable to sit at your PC for a long amount of time (if any) sure facilitates new entertainment. Dad dragged one of our old TVs in my room and I burned the first season of my favorite show on a few DVDs. Was about to complain that the quality got killed and then realized that maybe DVDs are just like that and I just haven't watched one in a while. That would explain why DVD-rips are not actually high quality.
Also installed Linux on my poor laptop which never properly worked a day in its life. Can't say that it flies now, but browsing the Internet is somewhat doable on it now!
Feeling better today so mom and I revived our old old point-&-shoot camera. No idea how well it shoots after not being in use for like 18 years or so, but the contacts are all clean, it clicks and whirrs and counts the used up frames and the flash is also working, so there's hope. Will probably use this roll on casual photos that wouldn't be painful to lose. And if they turn out well - then bring on the summer vacation! And boy, do I hope to get that vacation. Dear energy of the universe or whoever might heed this call, let this be another good summer when my friends AND my family AND I will be able to do whatever we want in terms of money, energy, health and free time. Please double that health part for my mom. Thank you. Signed, me.
@Tarr and hir Hangover
Ignore the hangover in the title even though it's definitely Here. I finished up all the 24 pages of this next goddamn chapter (or rather, a part of it). It's not quite ready to be posted yet 'cause I need to correct a few things in the previoud one and also fashion up a cover but damn. I made it. I didn't quit. May I continue in the same manner (and also may my burning deadlines be merciful to me).
@Tarr the Stubborn
I shall not let the loneliness of not knowing if anyone can actually relate to my work consume me. I should not let the lack of readers stop me. I should not let the huge workload slow me down. I'll keep going. I'll keep going. I'll keep going. And what/who I get along the way will be enough for me.
@Tarr the Grateful
On one hand, the workload this month is totally murdering me.
On another hand I was lying in bed thinking about how all my friends and some of my family have to go to the office today and I felt OH SO GRATEFUL that I DON'T.
@Tarr the, uh, Wistful?
Hey look, the first blog blob of 2023!
And of course it's going to be ~some whining~. I mean, this is a personal sorta diary page. You can only find it through a little gif on the main. You get what you get.
So what am I grumpy about today? Oh, I just wish I could not care about money. Like, earn it with my art or something. I want to be able to tell my story (or multiple of them at that!) without worrying about work going up in flames or being left totally broke. Actually I'd like to not worry about going broke in general. There's so much I want to draw, so many characters to introduce! And I'm so scared that my ADHD or whatever will make me lose steam and drop everything before I'm done! But I suppose until that hasn't happened I have nowhere to hurry. Some say the process is more precious than the finished result. I do kind of feel that, not gonna lie. I just hope I'll be able to give life to all the story arcs and epic moments that are in my head. And I hope that you will read them. 'Cause they're great.
@Tarr the Pensive
I've also been thinking. I stayed to celebrate the holidays at home with my parents again, as I do every year, instead of going to celebrate with friends. And I stand by that decision, but I'm unsure if it's correct to say that I've wanted one more than I wanted the other. I think it'd be more fair to say that I actually want a secret third thing. The secret third thing would probably involve having a lover, so as a person completely useless at potential dating I'll try not to think about it much. I will admit, however, that it'd be nice to have someone we'd comfortably match with. Not that I'm uncomfortable with my friends - or my family for that matter - but, you know. Someone with the childish respect for traditions, like my parents, but without their growing pessimism about life (and preferably without other relatives joining), and understanding and comforting like my friends but with less tendency to spend that much hangout time on our phones... Someone with shared love for retro stuff (like the old personal web for one example!) would also be cool.
Okay I am suddenly yearning on main BYYEEE
@Tarr the Tired
17/24 pages lined for this month's portion of PoF! Idk when I will be able to color all of them though, my deadlines for January are already burning skyyy high, oh boy.
@Tarr the Annoyed
Who needs Twitter when you can have this shit. Anyway. This first and half-test post is as good of a place as any to vent that looking at all the cool websites makes me too critical of my own (admittedly wonky) design...when this is not about that at all??? Everyone has their thing, I have mine? Gah it's annoying when by brain does this. Some people make cool intricate designs and some don't care. This, whatever this is that I conjured out of pre-made codes, layout builders and tutorials, is fine enough by me. For fuck's sake, it was supposed to be a platform for my webcomic and nothing else, but now that it's actually something I'm getting all self-doubty? Give me a BREAK, brain.